lessons learned

Expect the Unexpected

From macular degenerates to kids who make bribes, it's all in a day's work

JACK RUNNINGER, O.D.

A husband and wife were invited to a Halloween costume party, and the wife rented costumes for both of them. But on the night of the party, the wife had a headache and felt too ill to attend. So her husband put on his costume and went without her.

But about 9:00, she felt better and decided to attend the party after all. Since her husband hadn't seen her costume, she decided to remain incognito, in order to see how he behaves in her absence. When she arrived at the party, she spotted him in his costume, and began flirting with him, without him knowing who she was.

Testing him, she allowed him to lead her to a vacant dark bedroom, where they made love. She then left the party and returned home so that she could confront him when he returned, about his infidelity.

"Did you have a good time?" she asked sarcastically when he walked in the house.

"No, I had a lousy time," he replied. "So a few of us left the party and went in the locker room and played poker. But the guy who borrowed my costume said he had one heck of a good time!"

The guy downtown

Lots of unexpected things also happen in optometric offices, according to e-mails I've received from readers:

► One such surprising response happened to Dr. P.D. Padfield, Goderich, Ontario, when a patient of his said:

"Doc, that was the best eye exam I ever had! You're a lot better than that %#$&%@& who practices downtown!"

► "Recently, I had a 10-year-old boy arrive with his mom for an eye examination," reported Faye D. Algranati, Ph.D., O.D., Stamford, Conn. "He convinced his mother not to be in the room during the exam.

"As I closed the door, the boy pulled a wad of money from his pocket and said, ‘I'll give you 50 bucks if you'll tell my mom I don't need glasses.’ Oddly, the mother was more concerned as to where he obtained the money rather, than with his attempt to bribe me."

Say what?

Many of the unexpected replies in optometric offices come as a result of a misunderstanding of health care terminology.

► "What kind of lenses are you wearing?" asked author Dr. By Newman, San Diego, Cal., asked a lady patient.

"The new gas sperm lenses," was her reply.

► "You men are all alike," kidded another of his lady patients, when he asked her to take off her contact lenses.
► "The retina specialist is treating me for "immaculate degeneration," a lady told Dr. Michael Feinstein, Newark, N.J.
► "The very same day," he continued, "a photophobic patient who wore sunglasses told me her problem was caused by being hit in her left eye during an ‘alteration.’ "
► Noted author and educator Dr. Len Werner, West Orange, N.J., tells of a colleague who was told by a patient that she was a "macular degenerate."

Wrong end

► Optician Jolly Wansley, Rome, Ga, told me of a lady who, on a recent visit, told him her vision had been poor ever since she had a "detached rectum." OM