SEA SALT? French manicure? Gel? Full set? Pedicure? A lot of upselling goes on in the nail salon. There’s also comedy, for example, Elaine’s experience on “Seinfeld,” where she was troubled by the language barrier, coupled with laughs and looks in her general direction, of her nail technicians.

PROVIDE THIS COMPLIMENTARY SERVICE

I think taking the time to keep one’s nails pruned is an important necessity for all O.D.s. Take two seconds, and look at your fingers. I will wait. . . Would you want that coming at your eye? I won’t say anymore.

Moreover, if you just ate a Chalupa from Taco Bell and you can still see or smell some remnants of that unfortunate purchase — well, you know what I mean. In my humble opine, well-kept fingernails are like cleaning the wax out of your ears, trimming those runaway nose hairs or splitting the unibrow like Moses parted the Red Sea, an important part of patient service.

Let me ask you a question. Now, you have to answer honestly. Can you take a person seriously who has a bat hanging in the cave? No! You lose sight of what is important and can only concentrate on alerting this person to the presence of this unsightly nasal mucosal formation. Let’s be honest, the brown sludge of nail debris, which is composed of ingredients only known to scientists, is not a dark French manicure — it is bowel releasing.

Those nuggets have been rolling around my head like a marble in the Hungry, Hungry Hippo game. And they made me think of add-ons. Actually, when you think of it, they charge extra for the French manicure, when in reality it is less polish. What gives? Why is it that there is always that initial price and then, in the infamous words of Homer Simpson: “Here comes the add-ons.”

CUT THE ADD-ONS

Having a base price and then incorporating some additional product or service at its own price is really annoying. We do the same to our patients. Not having a lot of retail experience, I cannot say that all of my occupational brethren use this tactic, but the add-on is troublesome. Shouldn’t we just tell our patients: “This is what you need. This is the price. Buy it, and get out. . .”? Although, the thought of telling patients that if they put more thought into their spectacle purchase it may alleviate pressure on other aspects of their façade does bring me entertainment. (That’s a topic for another article. U.G.L.Y. you ain’t got no alibi, but you can have nice glasses.)

I can say with certainty that I don’t take the add-ons offered to me. I say “No” to color for my toes, acrylics and paraffin. I have resisted threading and hot stones. Yet, manicurists are so good at persuading, “You are so hairy. No wax? You need sea salt. You’re hairy.” Fine, but that’s where I draw the line. OM

DR. BLOOMENSTEIN practices at Schwartz Laser Eye Center in Scottsdale, Ariz. He is a founding member of the Optometric Council on Refractive Technology. He is a speaker and advisory board member for: Allergan, Bausch + Lomb, Shire, Akorn, Tear-Lab, OcuSoft, Lunovus and AMO. Email him at mbloomenstein@gmail.com.