ALL OUR EFFORTS COULD BE FOR NAUGHT, WITHOUT A COOL FACTOR

IN APRIL, I turned 50. Yes — five decades. A single Roman numeral. I guess another way to put this above-the-grave milestone is “I’m OLD.”

The irony is: Just saying I am cincuenta induces a cognitive dissonance. My impression of this number elicits a feeling of nostalgic anecdotes weaving a blanket of wisdom that engulfs all within close proximity. However, I feel as immature and impressionable as I did when I was, well, 10!

Let’s be honest. If you have read any articles, heavily redacted by my fine editor, in OM, you will see the truth in that last sentence. Moreover, I can’t not engage in acts of youthful expressions when I am speaking to my patients. Thus, I feel they are looking at my follicularly challenged dome and wondering how did this cool millenlialesque optometrist become so bald at such a young age?

CALL ME “BENJAMIN BUTTON”

I suppose, at some age we are supposed to stop referring to our patients as “Dude” or “Girlfriend,” quit greeting them with a “What up?” or a fist bump and refrain from responding to her “How are you?” with replies riddled with symptoms that are remedied only by a prescription-grade laxative. Yet, I feel that it is ingrained in my DNA to continue to be on fleek. Perhaps, it is also my desire to create the visage that I am not really vintage — rather just Benjamin Button-ing my way through life.

The funny thing about looking older is the perception that you must be knowledgeable and experienced. The wrinkles and olfactory hair speak without words, “I have been around a while, and I am smart. You can trust me.”

But does it? Am I deluded that just because I am almost a card-carrying AARP member that my patients will be more inclined to trust my judgement? Rather, do they see the advancement of my hairline as retreat from what is modern or fresh? In fact, Harvard found that patients who see a younger doctor have a lower mortality rate, according to a study published in May’s for BMJ.

As I write this, I am starting to question my whole approach to my patients. If you think about it, we dress with lab coats, or business casual, we eat mints to hide our coffee breath, primp via mani-pedis, silence our phones and introduce ourselves as Dr., all of which is meant to establish the feeling of a comforting trust and mutual respect. Yet, could this all be for naught if we don’t demonstrate that this silver fox is actually hip to the cool stuff? The lane is your opportunity to do so.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT

I am not suggesting that we drop our pants below our booty and get spacers. However, I do think staying somewhat relevant to new techniques, diagnostic equipment and newer schools of thought is mandatory. Remember when we didn’t think that dry eye was inflammatory?

I suppose by virtue of the fact that you are reading this, you are staying abreast to happenings in optometric management. This optometrist will also continue to pepper his phraseology with all the cool gnarly words for my fam. That way, I can keep my patients in a constant fugue state and advertise that I am hip to the new-fangled ways of this profession. OM

DR. BLOOMENSTEIN practices at Schwartz Laser Eye Center in Scottsdale, Ariz. He is a founding member of the Optometric Council on Refractive Technology. He is a speaker and advisory board member for: Allergan, Bausch + Lomb, Shire, Akorn, TearLab, OcuSoft, Lunovus and AMO. Email him at mbloomenstein@gmail.com.