I BORROW IDEAS FROM CREATIVE FOLKS, AND OTHER CONFESSIONS OF AN O.D.

I HAVE been told imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. (Although, it doesn’t always feel that way when your child parrots your actions.)

I watch in awe the creative juices of colleagues and performers alike. And, from time to time, I take some of their successes and make them my own. In fact, being able to actually say that I do “borrow” ideas from others is like a good confessional cleanse.

In that vein, Stephen Colbert, on Friday nights, asks his audience to listen to “sins” he wants to confess. I’d like to borrow that idea and ask you, my reader, to listen to my sins. (OK, they may not technically be sins — I just feel bad about them.)

MY SINS

• I, sometimes, don’t listen to a patient when he speaks and have to ask him to repeat himself — and then I realize it was not important.
• When a patient asks me how I am, I always say I have diarrhea — even when I don’t.
• If a patient has bad breath, I wear a mask and tell him it is for his benefit, but, it is really for me.
• I don’t drink alcohol but sometimes I wish I did — a lot.
• Sometimes, when a patient asks what will happen to her floaters, I tell her that they have Eyebomas that clean out the floaters.
• When a patient will not stop talking, I sometimes look at my waist, where my pager was, and tell him I will be right back. And then, I come back and act like he wasn’t talking.
• Patients bring me homemade food gifts that I will never eat. Ever. (I am scared of them.)
• I, sometimes, tell patients I love their glasses even when I think they are hideous.
• I have written my chart notes in blue ink.
• When I make diluted brimonidine drops for nerdy patients, I will blow on the bottle and pretend I am putting a spell on them. They like it. They are nerds.
• When I read OM, I most often only read my column and then look at everyone else’s headshots — just not Josh Johnston’s. His hair is too nice. (I need a drink.)
• When patients ask what kind of rice or sock they should use for a rice sock, I tell them a dirty tube sock with old fried rice — or whatever they have.
• I, sometimes, ask patients, “Who is better, Bruce or Caitlyn,” even though I know they are the same.
• When a patient asks whether it is OK to use Costco brand cleaner for his contact lenses, I tell him I buy my toilet paper at Costco, and then I walk out.
• When a patient has a lot of debris and mucous, I, sometimes, vomit in my mouth.
• I will, sometimes, tell patients to close their eyes so I can look at a text on my watch.
• I wrote this article the morning my editor told me for the third time she needs it now.

Editor’s note: In fact it was two gentle reminder emails and one about a related topic, which, apparently, made Dr. Bloomenstein feel guilty.

HEAVY SIGH

Thank you, reader, for being there, in your office, on your phone, the Kohler library, reading and driving — wherever and however you were able to hear my confessions. OM

DR. BLOOMENSTEIN practices at Schwartz Laser Eye Center in Scottsdale, Ariz. He is a founding member of the Optometric Council on Refractive Technology. He is a speaker and advisory board member for: Akorn, Allergan, AMO, Bausch + Lomb, Lunovus, OcuSoft, Shire and TearLab. Email him at mbloomenstein@gmail.com.