SOCIAL

  THE WAY I SEE IT

DEVIL IN THE DETAILS

YOUR PATIENT’S CLOTHES MAY NOT BE THE ONLY THING COVERED IN CAT HAIR

MARC BLOOMENSTEIN, O.D., F.A.A.O.

I RECENTLY saw a patient who did not seem “all there.” (I know I am the devil reincarnate for pointing to such things.) After a slit lamp examination, my assertions were validated. She had at least three short, white hairs floating on her cornea, none of which gave her any concern. Rather than bothering to ask whether she could feel the follicular collage, I simply asked, “How many cats do you have?” Without missing a beat, she gleefully exclaimed, “Five — but only three are mine!”

FELINE PHENOMENON

This feline phenomenon is lost on me. I do not understand the fascination with an animal that serves as a poster child to the shuttered and the lonely. Now, before you get all worked up, ask yourself, “What have cats contributed to society?” Can you put them on a leash and run down the street with them? Have you ever tried, or seen someone attempt, to leash a cat? Google it — not pretty! Can you leave them at home and know they are going to protect the family jewels? Not a chance. How about teaching your cat to obey commands? “Play fetch.” “Find truffles.” I don’t think so!

Even those who love cats will laugh at the ridiculous poses and postures in which the feline finds itself. Entire websites are dedicated to assigning anthropomorphic conversations or phrases to cats. Even nature is attempting to rid us of this bothersome pet rock with a litter box. Do you know a lot of people who are allergic to dogs? I don’t. Yet, there is an evolutionary trend toward cat allergy. (Cat allergies are about twice as common as dog allergies, according to Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America.) In fact, cats’ only true purpose is to serve as topics of songs: “Love Cats” (The Cure), “Smelly Cat” (Phoebe Buffay) and “Soft Kitty” (Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D.) come to mind.

ONE MISGUIDED CAT

To be fair, part of my angst comes from the fact that a cat chose to use my front yard as its only personal Porta-Potty! The smell alone drove me to the Internet to find a strong enough deterrent to remind this little kitty that homie don’t play here! However, I was fascinated to find that cats can be vanquished simply from a sprinkler or water gun! Now, if only they would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. I settled on concentrated coyote urine to fool the Felis catus and, subsequently, drive it away! I also yelled at it when I saw it, which does bring the “Crazy Cat Hater” trope right in line with the “Crazy Cat Lady.”

At this point, I may have offended some group of colleagues who believe that Mittens, Boo-Boo or Skunker is part of the family. Other things that may be true: The sky is rainbow colors; flowers are made of yellow chocolate, and all of our patients discard their contact lenses in a timely manner. (Though, to be fair, the offended population would have had to actually read this column first to be offended — so, perhaps, not.) So, if a patient has more than three cats at his or her house, you are in for a long exam. Meow. OM

DR. BLOOMENSTEIN currently practices at Schwartz Laser Eye Center in Scottsdale, Ariz. He is a founding member of the Optometric Council on Refractive Technology. Email him at mbloomenstein@gmail.com, or visit tinyurl.com/OMcomment to comment on this article.